CHANGE WE DO NOT NEED

It is amazing how so much has changed in so little time. Tecno now pings, BlackBerry Z10 now sell for a ridiculously low price you wouldn’t if you are buying chinko. Somebody in Bahrain now shares my yahoo e-mail address with me, and my non-literate mother is now on facebook.

Time has fast tracked. A lot of things have advanced, and a lot more people are being left behind in the rat-race of get-rich-quickly-or-die-slowly.- I missed that tide myself- but I will catch when I start gong out again- that is when I am sure the new Ebola vaccine works better than Salt-Water Bath.

The borders of the global village, where we are exiled, have so shrinked that a disease like Ebola can break out in New Guinea, and some person in Liberia can infest another person in America, and the American can start an epidemic in Nigeria with the viral infection.

It is amazing too how quickly we can take off the hatchtag from #BringBackOurGirls and paste it smack on Ebola. Me, I don’t like that kind of change o. Just imagine: my water closet used to be the inspiration threshold where I meet and romance with the muse; the WC is also where I get the most stable internet connection- being 3G- but I have been here for almost one hour now, after I dropped the last batch of sheet in the commode, and my BlackBerry is still in SOS mode. Good to know shaa that inspiration is not lost on me as I type this rant.

Now, another change that has not gone down well with me, is how more quickly celebrity marriages fail these days. I was the gladdest person alive when the news came that my friend, the ace female comedian, Princess has gotten married. She was growing bigger and her the hands of her biological clock had started to run away from her when her Knight In Shining Humour got to her. I could have married the surplus-size crush of mine if I had a polygamous bone in my body. The woman is equal to four regular-size ones, and marrying her would have been meant having a surplus wife. Now news reaching me says her marriage has failed.

I also discovered that the number of my friends on facebook has dwindled drastically. I am not surprised at this sort of change, because I see it as an evolutionary process of Natural Selection. I see that only those with iron constitutions have stayed to keep sharpening my own iron. Iron sharpens iron, so says the Christian Bible, I am sure the others who fell away couldn’t stand all that chaffing, scrapping, and opposite-way-rubbing.

I am just going to comb through, when I get a good network, and get rid of the remainder of the porous breed of friends. It will be a service, and in accordance with the maxim of my wise friend Charles DeGaulle (1890-1970) that goes, something like, CHANGE YOUR FRIENDS and you will change your world. (The words in lower case are mine, and DeGaulle is not culpable for such quixotic nonsense)

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Waiting For Woman

Some of our conventions are so annoying that it will be a greater good to abolish them altogether. One of such convention is that which holds that the lady is expected to be late to her wedding, a meeting, or a date. Today’s woman has so taken advantage of this convention that she only begins to get ready for the occasion when she is sure the gentleman has arrived and waiting.

Most men have very limited capacity to endure a long wait. I am one of such men. I can’t stand waiting endlessly for something to happen- this is why I hardly watch Nollywood movies, nothing ever happens- except for the Second Coming, I also can’t stand waiting for someone to show up.

Waiting have this uncanny tendency to make time slow down while one’s pulse races on at full throttle. Waiting endlessly make me particularly feel like I am aging very quickly and withering away waiting while the life to live hurries away from me. Although that maxim is true that those who wait shall renew their strength; but it is if, and only if, you are waiting upon The Lord and not for a lady.

Waiting up for a lady saps a man’s strength, wear out the sole of his shoes, and add more greys to his hair. My dad before he became completely grey-haired, used to complain about the time my mom spend in the bathroom when he is waiting his turn to use it; and the much time she frit away making up when they were already late for a outing. I wonder if waiting have not driven him to his early grave. May his gentle soul find peace though.

But why do women even have to do that, wearing a man soul thin with waiting?

“There were moments of waiting.” As put by Stephen in the opening sentence of the 5th Chapter of Red Badge of Courage. Enough said already.