THE THING IN THE NAME AKPOS

Ejiro saved my number with “Igbudu Monkey”. I asked why “Igbudu Monkey and not Akpos” she said that Igbudu Monkey was the only name she would remember me by, since she had too many Akposes in her phonebook already.

I wanted to be in the limelight in Warri. I thought being Omo Eko Gaan Gaan will do the trick without my trying too hard, but I was to learn that only a paltry few like Akpos have ever had the limelight beamed on him. In warri you either work it out or you arrogate prestige to yourself, walking the walk and talking the talk, and if you are lucky you get as popular as Tompolo of MEND. Only Ibori has ever made fame here, and he’d worked his ass off for it. So I finally thought of a name Change. I adopted the famed name Akpos.

Ejiro was the first Warri Girl I told I was Akpos, and she educated me: She told me, without mirth, that I was the namesake of seven of her brothers, and four boyfriends. It was from her that I learnt that Akpos, as a name, is the short of such, rather mouthy, Urhobo names like Akpodhero, Akpobome, Akponovwe, Akporoghene, Akpokororo and many, many, many more. We exchanged phone contacts that day, and she preferred Igbudu Monkey to Akpos as my name on her list of contacts.

The first live Akpos I met mystified me. He’d asked me where I was from, I said “Lagos”, he asked if I knew I Go Die The Comedian I said “yes o! I Go Die na my very friend na, we dey do everything together even dey flush each other shit”. The growing interest on Akpos’s face and the excitement in his voice was remarkable when I declared that I am familiar with I Go Die. Akpos started to nod ominously. I was going to claim that I Go Save, Gandoki and Gordons were my friends too, but Akpos interjected “bros abeg, you know Alibaba house?” cutting me off in that crude manner that is peculiar of Warri boys. And I replied “Alibaba? Comedian? The same Akporobomemererealluyahajunyota? Him na my bigger bros for area na; Big Bros Akporobomemererealluyahajunyota aka Alibaba dey follow me for Twitter” I declared impressing Akpos further.

“Thank God I don jzam person wey know Alibaba residential address. Ashually eh, I don dey find opporshunity to go warn Alibaba make him no take me dey jzoke again? My name don spoil finish for comedians hand. I no too know Lagos but I know Ojota, but how I go take go Twitter from Ojota.

There must be something about Twitter Akpos wasn’t getting. I said Alibaba was my friend and he follows me on twitter, to Akpos, this probably means I and Alibaba are neighbours on a geographical Twitter. How do one correct a misrepresentation once it is made?

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