The hermetic world of Holy Folks is such a cheerless place. All those candles couldn’t do a thing to dispel the darkness and glum. Not even humour could light up their world. They really don’t joke, and don’t give a fig about you if you were a satirist or a comedian. Even the Holy Communion is such a grim affair- I used to think it was because of the tasteless, flaky wafer and watered-down wine, but I know better now, it is all churchitude. Everything is cut and dried and kosher. These folks can’t take a joke. They are so stuck up and distracted by things, and they go about life seriously. Too seriously for comfort. But we can’t be too serious about life because “none of us will live here alive.” Alright?
Even Jesus was never serious about things, even when under pressure. Ok maybe he was a serious dude, and I am missing the point. But that rib-cracker The Guy let off about a camel straining to go through the eye of a needle was the best joke of the ancient world. Historians missed it as the 9th Wonder of the ancient world next only to the turning water to wine trick. Leave out the walking on water stunt, I have friends who can tread water real good. Leave out the feeding of Five Thousand Men with Five Loaves of Bread and Two Fish. McDonald and KFC, and here, Mama Cass and Chicken Republic, have broken that record many times over. Let’s not take those stories too seriously, they were just stories for whatever stories are worth.
The Lord knew how tough life could be back in the day. When one have to be off one’s bed at the third cock crow at dawn, and hit the traffic to be the first to see if the fig trees have fruits on them. Don’t you be telling me they don’t have Metro Traffic Stress in those days like we have it now. Just as we got our highways clogged with Bikes and Cars and Buses and Trucks and People all tooting their horns at the same time; so they had traffic jams of Cattle, Sheep, Goat, Donkeys, Horses, Camels, and people all bleating, mooing, neighing, and screaming at the same time back in the day of Our Lord. We have a better deal than the ancients, with our sophisticated systems of traffic lights and wardens, and zebra crossings.
The best the Lord could have done about easing stress, as a healer, would have been humour. Isn’t laughter the better medicine than wine? (even the wine made from water) I trust my people; they are amongst the happiest people on this planet. Do you why? I will tell you why; it is because they can laugh. My countrymen can laugh real hard. When laughter becomes a arduous chore, they manage to smile, even while suffering. It is stark hardship that is changing all that and making my people the most religious people on earth. And religion is taking away their mirth and replacing it with faith: faith is too serious an affair for bliss.
Children are okay. They can find happiness in their innocence and fun-seeking nature. It is no wonder Jesus said “suffer not the little children to come unto me, for such is the kingdom of heaven”. A little girl once told a Bishop that she was a “freak for Jesus” Which Nigerian Holy Rocker isn’t a freak for Jesus? But the Bishop slapped the ish out of the little girl and told her to “shut the “f” up and don’t joke with The Lord else die by fire”. What the hell? Didn’t The Lord say unless we all be like these Little Ones we may not enter into God’s Kingdom of heaven? It was really shocking what that old geezer did to the little girl. Eish.
I think Jesus should come back sooner. After all the signs of the end of the world is very much here with us. Men have become lovers of themselves, and the women are following suit. There are wars, and rumours of wars everywhere, inequity abounds, and the love of many have waxed cold. People go about doing things in Cold blood- like lynching students of Western Education, and bombing the ish out of those who make Jokes of their prophets in comic strips or satanic verses. It is all highfalutin bull-ish, we are freaks in diverse ways. Some are religious freaks- going about with megaphones screaming “hell fire” disturbing the peace, or inciting violence by praying that their enemies die by fire, and their enemies returning the compliments. There are others- closet freaks who go raping underage girls and shutting them away in their harems when they become too leaky with VVF*. Thankyouverymuch I can do without your mustard-seed-size faith. Give me something merry and soul-healing like a good joke, even if it tastes nasty.
I can remember when The Lord pissed some religious people off and they were just about to mob him. He took a swipe at their ribs to “crack ’em up”, but those hypocrites missed the joke when he told them to destroy the temple that he would raise it back up so fast they’d think the bricks were Lego™ Blocks.
I told you, The Lord was a baRd A.S.S. Comic geek. Did you know he admonished that you turn the other cheek when a mugger hits you. I could just imagine a scenario where a bugger hits me on the one cheek, and I keep turning left and right and left again until the bugger get fagged out, then I flexed my muscle, turn around and try out my practised Mohamed Ali “roundhouse” and follow with a Mike Tyson uppercut. That would really look great on the silver screen. Maybe starring Mr. Bean and Chris Rock. I told you, that dude is a joker.
Ok, I am not trying to mess with your head or “f” with your faith. I AM ONLY JOKING. I’m only doing what I will have you also do undo me.
*Vesicovaginal fistula (VVF) is an abnormal fistulous tract extending between the bladder and the vagina that allows the continuous involuntary discharge of urine into the vaginal vault.(Wikipedia)
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